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THE ONION's ELECTION DAY GUIDE

Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls:


* If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long.

* The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise.

* If your election official hooks you up to a machine via a needle in your arm, you are actually donating blood.

* Tip for those on the go: Voting a straight ticket can save you up to 15 seconds.

* Remember that, as a member of a participatory democracy, you have a duty to make your voice heard on Election Day. If you find that idea hard to grasp, think of it like the lotto: You can't win if you don't play.

* Don't wear dress shoes. They leave black scuff marks on gymnasium floors.

* Voting is no longer considered uncool. Note that it is not cool, either.

* Many newspapers offer sample ballots. Buy 10 copies and practice, practice, practice.

* Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you.

* This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros.

* When voting, you don't need to dress up in a scary costume or hand out candy. That happens two days earlier.

* You might think it's funny, but it's disrespectful to submit write-in candidates like "Don Knotts," "Mickey Mouse," or "Michael Badnarik."

* Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out.

* If you are black and a resident of Florida, work out two or three alternate routes to your polling place to avoid police checkpoints.

* The most important thing is to vote your conscience.

* Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Nader. Vo-o-o-o-ote Nader."

* If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur's mouth.

* If you live in Florida, for Christ's sake, look at the ballot very, very carefully this time.

* Education is the issue Americans say is most important. Find someone with one of those to read the ballot to you.

* Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists.

* If you don't know where the polling place is in your district, just try to remember the ugliest, dingiest, most depressing building in a three-mile radius. That's probably it.


What To Bring
Remember to bring proper identification to the polls.
This can be:


* Driver's license or your chauffeur

* Passport and photos of your boyfriend in Paris

* SuperVoter discount card

* Note from president

* Proof that your grandfather voted

* Retinal scan or your alderman's retinas

* Two Iraqi scalps

* Receipt for your shoes

* Videotape of your first steps

* Halliburton employee ID

* Birthday card from grandmother

* Pint of sperm for DNA-identification purposes

* Casserole dish to pass

* A good friend who can totally vouch for you

* Signed $20 bill

* Autographed celebrity photo inscribed with your name